- "Well
you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women.
You just have to read the manual and press the right button."
- "And
how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides,
every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff
out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking
course, and I forgot how to drive?"
- "I
won't sleep in the same bed with a woman who thinks I'm
lazy! I'm going right downstairs, unfold the couch, unroll
the sleeping ba- uh, goodnight."
- "It's
like something out of that twilighty show about that zone."
-
"If something is to hard to do, then it's not worth
doing.
- "Dear
Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You"
-
"All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money
by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one."
- "Marge,
you being a cop makes you the man! Which makes me the
woman - and I have no interest in that, besides occasionally
wearing the underwear, which as we discussed, is strictly
a comfort thing."
-
"Operator! Give me the number for 911!"
- "Kill
my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"
- "Here's
to alcohol: the source of, and answer to, all of life's
problems."
- "I'm
having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not
going to Church!"
- "If
this were really a nuclear war we'd all be dead meat by
now."
- "Now
go on, boy, and pay attention. Because if you do, someday,
you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed
about for generations: You may outsmart someone!"
- "I
bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he
invented the light bulb."
- "Beer.
Now there's a temporary solution."
- "Oh
no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy
bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough
to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not
even close."
-
"Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd
ever do. Now I have a purpose, a reason to live. I don't
care who I have to face, I don't care who I have to fight,
I will not rest until this street gets a stop sign!"
- "If
they think I'm going to stop at that stop sign, they're
sadly mistaken!"
- "Unlike
most of you, I am not a nut."
- "Safety?
But sir! If truth be known, I actually caused more accidents
around here than any other employee, including a few doozies
no one every found out about."
- "No,
no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't
go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really
half-assed."
-
"Simpson-Homer Simpson, he's the greatest guy in
his-tor-y. From the town of Springfield, he's about to
hit a chestnut tree....D'oh!" (sung to the air of
Flintstones theme song)
- "Ignore
the boy, Lord."
- "Dear
Lord, thank You for this microwave bounty, even though
we don't deserve it. I mean... our kids are uncontrollable
hellions! Pardon my French... but they act like savages!
Did You see them at the picnic? Oh, of course You did...
You're everywhere, You're omnivorous. Oh Lord! Why did
You spite me with this family?"
- "You
know Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck
with me. She said, `Homer, you're a big disappointment',
and God bless her soul, she was really onto something."
- "When
will I learn? The answer to life's problems aren't at
the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"
- "The
code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a
boy to be a man. Let's see. Don't tattle. Always make
fun of those different from you. Never say anything, unless
you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do."
- "I
think the saddest day of my life was when I realised I
could beat my Dad at most things, and Bart experienced
that at the age of four."
- "And
there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when his back
is turned."
- "Being
popular is the most important thing in the world!"
- "Old
people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated
and studied so that it can be determined what nutrients
they have that might be extracted for our personal use."
- "Remember
that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that alligator
biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought
it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That
alligator was sexually harrassing that woman."
- "I'm
going to the backseat of my car with the woman
I
love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES."
-
"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could
buy all kinds of useful things like...love!"
-
"Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons sometimes have to
bend the rules a little in order to hold our own."
-
"Dear Lord: The gods have been good to me. For the
first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect
just the way it is. So here's the deal:
- "The
strong must protect the sweet"
- "Ah,
sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?"
-
"Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they
look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one!
But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!"
-
"Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie and one to
listen."
-
"Remember as far as anyone knows, we're a nice normal
family."
- "I
know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted
an electric football machine more than anything else in
the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the
happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight."
-
"Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than
you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because
I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched
them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say...
This stinks!"
More Simpsons Quotes -->
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